What do we do when it comes to setting boundaries when it appears as if no one is willing to listen and/or act upon it? That was the question I was faced with today.
Today, I was wondering why I would keep trying to convince others. Maybe it was simply easier to pretend everyone around me was right and I was wrong. What I’m talking about? People (doctors) who have decided that I can do more than I think I can and hence are not willing to give a certain statement, which would make my life a while lot easier.
To be more specific, everyone around me expects me to walk longer distances with support all the time, whilst in fact I can only do so at certain moments through the day, and only a limited amount of time during the week. Basically, it all comes down to whether or not I have to deal with a flat surface, whether or not I’ve been exercising, with the intent of increasing stability and strength, and whether or not I have to carry weight around. As for the latter, I still can’t put much extra weight on my ankle and as for exercising, this comes with the price of not being able to walk without a severe amount of discomfort.
I’ve been asked to write an email, explaining why I cannot always walk a certain distance, since it’s needed to be able to get a specific parking permit, allowing me to park relatively close to a certain location. Not being able to do so, will eventually lead to doing too much, hence prolonging my recovery.
There are two things I can do nowadays to speed up my recovery. One is playing drums (which is awesome to be doing again without loosing my balance behind my kit). The other one is cycling longer distances. Both come with the price of not being able to walk normally the day(s) after.
When people tell me that I should be able to do more than I say I can, it can lead to me thinking “Why should I bother and keep myself from doing things?” Maybe I should just do things, even if it’ll be way too much, leading to destroying more than building up. If everyone says I can do more (which comes across as I’m overreacting, so I’d better suck it up), than just maybe I should act as if it’s true.
I’m pretty sure it’s not what they meant, since it can lead to unrepairable damage, but then again, maybe that’s what it takes in order to be believed. Question is who gets hurt in the process by doing so and that’s solely me. Either way I loose. The question is when I loose most. When doing less than I’d like to, because, otherwise, I’d have to walk longer distances or when doing what I’d really like to do all the time, including standing on my feet for too long, riding my bike non-stop for too long and maybe even do some low-impact workouts.
Having been taught at an early age that it’s best to go on until things get really bad and I just can’t do certain things anymore, it’s tempting to “self-destruct”. Having aged in a meantime tells me to do the opposite and be careful, staying within my limits, even when none out there is willing to help me in the process of recovery. It’s a difficult choice, since it’s easier to just go and do certain activities, even when they are causing me a certain amount of pain.
Today I have done too much. I already paid the price earlier today and I’ll be doing so again in a short while when cycling back home and tomorrow as well when trying to stand on my two feet and walk small distances. Was it worth it? I suppose it was, even if it was to prove to myself I’m not insane for thinking this was not the best choice for a speedy recovery.
My challenge is going to be to redirect my energy the right way, which means writing a letter specifying the arguments why I believe I’m right, instead of giving in to what others are saying. Been there, done that and it resulted in walking around with a tendon which kept popping out of place. No thank you, to ever experiencing that once again.